Mr and Mrs Joe Average were sitting on their brand new patio, built to accommodate the brand new solar panels, in their brand new 300m2 block backyard of their brand new First Home Owners Grant two story home (with under roof alfresco) – sipping their recommended no more than two standard drinks per day, basking in the glow of the light pollution where the stars used to be.
Joelene Average put down the paint chips she had been studying, asking her husband Joe “What do you think, darl’ – the white or the cream?” He swallowed his mouthful of mid strength low carb beer slowly, and rubbed his ample beer belly before replying, “Well love, whatever is going to make the new 3D TV look best from the new home theatre lazy-boy leather couches.” “Ah, yes” she nodded, “good point!”
A brilliant light appeared - more brilliant than 10 million solar paneled powered low emission eco friendly light globes would emit without leaving a carbon footprint. Even more brilliant than the recent insulation fires had glowed; this light meant business. An Angel of the Lord had appeared.
“Strewth” said Joelene. “Strewth” said Joe, as they gazed in wonder at the Angel. In the distance a heavenly chorus of Iranian and Sri Lankan voices could be heard – “Ozzie, Ozzie, Ozzie, Oy Oy Oy – I still call Australia hoooome.”
“G’Day” the Angel said, fluffing his reflective Safety to Australian Standard wings. “My names Kevin, and I’m the Prime Angel around here, oh, and I speak Mandarin if you’re interested”.
Joe and Joelene squinted against the glare, and replied with a shaky “G’day, Prime Angel, err – no we’re not interested. What can we do for you, Kev?” Joe, offered the Angel a beer. “Cheers, ta” replied Kev as he indicated to the brand new outdoor chairs – “May I?” Joelene nodded, shifted her not-obese-merely-politically-correct-curvy frame, and grasped Joe’s hand in hers.
“Well Joe, Joelene” Kev nodded to each of them, “I’m actually here with a delivery.”
“Huh?” exclaimed Joe, looking at Joelene and thinking of the most recent Stock Take Sales, “delivery of what – we’re not expecting anything.”
“Oh yes you are” smiled Kev. “Here, have a look” The Angel gestured into the darkness, and the sound of scuffling and muttered oaths floated over to the trio. A tired, worn-out and exhausted looking Nurse appeared, laboriously dragging a cot. Tripping from fatigue, she found her feet, and stopped to catch her breath.
Kev scowled at her, rolling his eyes and said in an aside, “Just between you and me Joe, these bloody nurses, honestly. Say they’re over worked, under paid – jeez, it’s not my fault I’ve been a little busy with the Choir lately. Diva types - require a lot of money and attention….Oh, and the Miners – don’t get me started…….you understand dontcha? ”
Joe gave a half hearted dip of his chin, frowning at the scene before him.
“Ozzie Ozzie Ozzie” drifted melodiously over the backyard, “Yep, they’re about the only ones who like me really……they think I’m a great bloke”, Kev continued, his chest puffing out in pride.
The Nurse straightened up. “Here you go” she crooned, moving to place the baby gently in Joelenes’ arms, and taking a deep breath, she staggered back into the darkness.
“Hey, wait a minute” exclaimed Joe in surprise – “What’s this then?”
“Oh yeah, Joe, remember when I got pregnant 9 months ago – this must be the baby!” Joelene excitedly replied, pulling the blanket down to gaze into the infants sleeping face.
“Eh? It’s here already?”
“Yes honey, it’s been 9 months” Joelene tickled the sleeping babe under the chin. Kev took another swig of beer, looking around the backyard, “hey, great solar panels” he belched, pointing to the roof. “Got insulation?”
“Yeah, got the Government rebate on those babies, insulation was great till it caught fire.”
“Ah yeah, bit of a problem across the board, that…..” Kev hurriedly changed the subject, “Sooo, waddya think of the baby? Cool eh?”
“He’s beautiful” Joelene snuggled her face into the new baby smell, inhaling like a vacuum.
Joe turned back to Joelene “But…….but that means that you can’t go to work on Monday if you have to look after it.” Joe blanched at the thought.
“Oh” Joelene stopped in surprise’ “yeah, that’s right. It’s Monday tomorrow, so it’s Interest Rate Hike day, bugger!”
Kev shook his head, and held up his hands pleadingly “Look, don’t panic, it’s not a problem.”
Joelene and Joe looked at each other in alarm, as Joelene squinted frantically into the darkness for the nurse.
“But we can’t keep it” Joelene whined, “I still have to work, ya know, to pay for all the new stuff we’ve got.” She swept her arm widely to indicate the Jamey Drury recommended Buddha statues, the water wise mondo grass and stainless steel BBQ with side wok attachment.
“Listen” said Kev, leaning forward with his hands on his knees “You ordered a baby, right?”
“Well.. yes” answered Joelene. “But in all fairness, it was only 9 months ago, oh – and the year we planned for it….anyway, we sort of haven’t really gotten around to saving up yet – it’s not like I’ll get a payment for keeping it.”
“Actually, you will” Kev intoned seductively “……and you know the nurse delivery charge just then?”
Joelene nodded .
“Well, I’ve picked up the tab for that too.” “Ooooh, really?,” she squealed .
“Yep,” smirked Kev, popping his lips on the P sound, “and here’s a little bit of info for ya – tell ya what. I’ll give you free medical for it, till it’s 16, oh, and I’ll throw in dental too…..oh, and a child health nurse, and hospital…..vaccinations?”
“Yeah, keep talking”, said Joe, narrowing his eyes.
“Ok, what about free education, with ummmmm, a tax deduction for any out of pocket expenses like another laptop, uniforms, books, internet access and that crap.” Kev was on a roll now.
“Hmmmmm” said Joe, nodding noncommittally.
Kev leant back and thought for a moment. “Hey, you guys don’t earn that much do you?”
They both shook their heads emphatically.
“OK, then I’ll throw in paying Joelene to stay at home for a couple of months to look after it too, and pay her the federal minimum wage….”
Joe and Joelene looked at each other, and Joe nodded. “OK then Kev, we’ll keep it, but only ‘cause its not going to cost us anything, okay?”
Kev laughed, slapping his knee in hysterics. “Joe! Don’t be stupid. Why would anyone expect you to pay for your own baby? Jeez mate, be reasonable. “
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